What an eventful week it has been, holy shit. People are getting knocked down, crying about it, threatening lives, being trashy, finding out their not the father, and watching Shark Week. Damn. Where am I going with this? Oh yea, so much for taking shit in stride guys. Way to be.
Anyways, I suppose I can name off some shit bands. Or can I? When posed with the question I kind of realized that most of the bands I had a problem with have been covered. I don’t know, I think I may have been a bit of a hermit lately. So how about this. Instead of naming off some bands, I can just give flat out descriptions of what would qualify a band to earn themselves this slot. Feel free to add.
First off, bands who are “uber metal”. I’m talking over the top, cliche ridden, white face painted, “hail sataning” everywhere, and without one lick of originality in their beings.
Biclops, this is for you. Every single one. These little shitheads were trolling To Kill a Mockingbird during the time of their video release and to this day refer to them as a derogatory adjective. Let’s see; TKAM has a huge fanbase, just recorded a stellar EP, has great music videos, and are all-around awesome dudes to jam with. Biclops, you have……….nothing. Just “Hail Satan” plastered everywhere, horribly drawn on corpse paint that seriously looks like dicks, and some of the worst sounding songs I think I’ve ever heard. I’d rather listen to a walrus suck his own dick than click on your page again. So before you gain the tiny shred of a following you might have, I’ll just go ahead and put a stop to it now. Go back to your playpen kids.
Next order of business, the recent happenings regarding genres. Genre wars piss me off.
But only when it’s the distinction of metal subgenres. When it comes to the fine line of hard rock and metal, it’s much easier to distinguish between those than say deathcore and djent. So dudes, if people call you hard rock. It’s because you are. It’s not a bad thing. That kind of genre labeling is actually doing what labeling was meant to do: Describe a certain sound to help advance you towards a future audience. There’s a good chance seasoned metalheads are not going to be as into your sound as you think they would be. So just stop labeling yourselves as metal if you aren’t. It’s that simple. Besides, if that doesn’t do it for you let your fans label you. Then you can go from there.
Lastly, and this is for both bands and fans alike, but the motherfuckers who like to spout out the term “true” metal.
There’s not such thing. Sorry. And 90% of the time what you are calling “true” metal is either black metal or thrash. Both are subgenres.
So what if you dream of Deathmetal Fields, where the brees sway in the wind and everyone eats their razor salad with Deathcore Valley Ranch, or Black Metal Hills where Odin can run naked in the wind and everyone looks like The Crow, or Thrash Alley where Metallica just voted that windmilling your hair is the new handshake. Guess what? None of these are “true” metal. Because “true” metal is a place in your head, that you made up to shit on something you don’t like to make yourself feel better. Now you’re just a high school bully of the music scene. Stop it.
So basically, if your band fits any of these or acts like anything described here you can bet your ripe honey ass you WILL be the next “Horrible Band of the Day”.