“I think you ain’t nothin’ but a gutless yellow turd” by Mad Dog Tannen

Earlier today, something popped in my head that hasn’t for a while, but regardless has always annoyed the shit out of me.

 

Why the fuck do local bands feel the need to have a manager? I can understand if you can pull like 10,000 people to a show or the “manager” as uber huge ties to Century Media or some shit but for the smaller bands I have met quite a few over the years that have a manager. Not a friend helping out, not a family member financing everything (equally annoying), but no. A full blown stranger coming in with his “experience” (lack of employment in 10 years) and trying to run the show.

 

Most of the time I posed the question to them: “Why have a manager?”….Here’s a list of responses.

 

“He/she finds us shows and talks to the venues so we don’t have to”…Ok, so they’re a booking agent. Isn’t half of your band unemployed or underemployed with access to a phone and/or internet?

 

“They promote us in key areas and create fliers for us”….So now they’re a promoter. Wait…these fliers were made in Paint. I guess it is a pretty complicated program to use…..

 

“They help to manage our funds and keep everything financially in line”….Ok this is just a lie. Everyone knows local bands don’t get paid manageable amounts of cash, if any at all. Someone’s pants are on fire….

 

“When we need help organizing a song or to schedule practices they are always giving their input”….That’s just fucking annoying. You gave the peanut gallery a title, good thinking.

 

Finally, my personal favorite, “I don’t fucking know”…..This is the smartest answer I’ve ever gotten.

 

Point is, bands, you don’t need a fucking manager. You really don’t. You have 3-5 (hopefully) able-bodied people that can do everything a “manager” can do for you and probably in a much more efficient manner more toward the advancement of what your band desires. For you “managers” out there, 90% of you that I have met have been pretentious fucking snots riding on the coat-tails of bands since you have no talent of your own. I seriously witnessed a friend of mine be told what to do and how to do it by some fuck-witted “manager” at a TRYOUT. He seriously never even let said friend try to integrate into the band or have input in any way, shape, or form. He just attempted to tell him how to play and when friend couldn’t decipher the horrible non-musician lingo he was insulted by the “manager”.

 

If your band feels so high and mighty to forgo what has essentially become a rite of passage in a music scene, ie doing the grunt work of establishing your band until you hopefully get signed, that you HAVE to have a manager you probably need to rethink your music career and the lack of humility you express. Humility is the strongest tool a band and much more a person can have and you probably should have figured that the fuck out by now.

 

“And I’m giving you to the count of ten to come out here and prove I’m wrong. One….”

 

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4 thoughts on ““I think you ain’t nothin’ but a gutless yellow turd” by Mad Dog Tannen

  1. It would be nice to have management of some sort. As long as their good @ what they do. Not that I have 1. But Let them deal with the politics of the scene, venues etc. I fucking hate it myself. Sometimes the BS takes the fun outta it. And personally, I’m a musician not a business man… But, you made some good points…

  2. Having a “Manager.” In a local band (a non-band member). Who is not touring Nationally, only playing local shows, or even just assembling is a waste.. A complete and utter waste. Why should some underachieving? talentless? Loser? Who is not at all affiliated with anything the band does musically; financially, or decision making. Should not have any say in what your band does, your band’s members should be doing that as a band. I mean are they producing songs? Are they doing anything to help you within the band? Why should some person whose not in the band think they have any say in what the band can and can’t do? If you are in a band, why would u have some talentless reject to sit around and give your band shit? Why would you need someone to call venues to setup gigs, cant your band do that on their own? I mean venues are always looking for bands is it so hard to pickup a phone and call around? Isn’t that part of putting a band together? If Producing an album is the case, and say they have a studio okay maybe then their opinion could somewhat matter… Oh yeah? Don’t we call that a producer? eh… ? Really though… How is managing your own band so complicated? If a venue gives you shit u pack up your gear and tell them to “FUCK OFF.” never to play there again? Is that so hard? Self Promotion is what your band should be doing, at least until it gets too big to do on your own, making fliers at OfficeMax or using paint is simple, didn’t you used to play with that program when you were in grade school? How hard can that be? As doc said, what the hell is the point?

  3. You said the key words, “as long as they’re good at it”. Problem is no one really is because local bands just don’t generate the kind of attention that should require one. A real manager would probably be horribly overworked trying to get their foot in the door or bored out of their mind when the work just doesn’t call for him taking on a local band.

  4. Do you have a Facebook page or Twitter? Would love to follow you there, I’m on my iPhone and love reading your stuff!

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